So last Monday I made flight arrangements. I came into work Tuesday morning as usual when I could see my assistant looked upset. She told me about a terrible dream she had the night before. It involved a Southwest airplane that caught fire in midair and then crashed to the ground killing everyone.
The funny thing is I had not told anyone I was flying SouthWest. She is the kind of person that does not really keep track of 'details.' So the fact that she had this "vision" is a little on the creepy side. I am not one to fall for this kind of "apocalyptic clairvoyance", but just in case she is right and becomes the next "Jeane Dixon" here is what I plan to leave behind:
To
Mark Lester- I leave my humor and wit.
Bobby Lester- I leave my amazing hair and good looks.
Mary Lester- I leave a heart full of love and kindness.
Kelly Wilmot Cook- I leave $2.39. Enough money to buy a carton of eggs to throw at unsuspecting high school band members.
Lorraine Jacobs Cross - I leave $4.49. Enough money to buy a bag of ice cubes to throw at unsuspecting high school band members.
Lora Martin- I leave my personal "rape whistle" to use when you catch Kelly and Lorraine torturing high school band members.
Mark Miller- I leave my 1978 polaroid camera with six pictures left to be used when Kelly and Lorraine utilize their inheritance.
Steve Pniewski- I leave my personal "Angels Sombrero" and "Mike Trout fish hat" To be worn at my funeral while you sing the theme from "Shaft!"
Elijah Weems - I leave my Calvary Sword and Whip (every eight year old needs a sword and whip!)
Chris Hruby- I leave my list of divorce lawyers to avoid!
Bill Tuli- I leave my favorite Shoe horn!
Rosa Jimenez- I leave my trophy from a Grade II win in horse racing. And an old sleeping bag (used only 48 times in the Wilderness.)
Sonja Leysen Key- I leave my David Cassidy lookalike photo taken of me at Black's Beach.
John Lindsey- I leave my Rubik's cube (the one with two missing tiles.)
Debbie Fourmont- I leave you my album of horse pictures. May they bring you a smile like they did me.
Gina Regan - I leave my 10% off coupon for "Ms. Lora Martin's Finishing School for Wayward Girls."
Sarah Rowling- I leave you three jars of my candied pecans. I owe you a lot more, but Kelly kept stealing my jars.
Greg Reynolds- I leave you my Harmonica just in case you decide to give up on the drums. And one of my mankinis (color is your choice.)
Mark Telles- I leave you my most recent month of "BodyBuilder" magazine--the "Venice Beach" Edition.
Chip Carin- I leave my Banjo. This has brought me serenity and peace in between dental patients. Oh, and a Mankini (your choice of color, you may need to arm wrestle Greg for the green one.)
Ed Baugh- I leave my brass knuckles which can be used the next time you come to visit California. (oh, and of course a Mankini. Your choice of color, although a scrum may occur at the time of distribution!)
Sunny Rolfs - I leave you my car. It probably needs a major detail. (The smell inside may remind you of something unearthly, pay it no mind.) Oh, and gas. I didn't fill up before I left because, well you know.
Maria Otramba- I am leaving you my high school yearbook. I hope this time you sign it.
Don McKenna- I am leaving you all the contents of the bottom drawer of my nightstand. I think we both know what you need to do.
Robert Fleischman- I leave my "good" pair of Nun-Chucks to be used on your next visit to National City.
Emelia Harril- I leave you one of my Mankini's. You will look the best in it and you will probably win the scrum battle.
To the rest of my friends I am going to have my brothers set up a "Money Wind Booth." You will each have a turn at a thousand dollars. The catch will be that the booth will contain two thousand Kennedy Half dollars. From wherever I may end up in the afterlife, this should be fun to watch.
To Julie I leave more gratefulness than I could ever express with words. You have made my life more joyful and full of laughter than I ever thought possible. All of my love and the last $64 in my checking account that my lawyer and ex-wife are fighting over.
See you all on the other side....
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